PILAM: Pregancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

Until February 2021, I had no idea that Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month existed. After a perfect pregnancy, my full-term baby died very unexpectedly. There are truly no words that can adequately describe the shock, devastation, and wreckage that our world had become. The doctor handed me the most beautiful boy I had ever seen, and told me there was nothing more they could do.

So many questions swirled in my head but all I could do was stare at his precious face and cry. 

I was unaware of what to do in this circumstance or that bereavement photography even existed. If I’m being fully honest, I don’t even remember the hospital staff asking me if I wanted pictures. I just remember the nurse telling me there was a photographer coming. In the moment I felt uncomfortable but the exhaustion of labor, delivery and then this horrifying reality left me unable to question her. When the photographer came she asked me if there were any specific shots I wanted, I knew I couldn’t bare to smile so I just said mostly pictures of him. Maybe one of each of us together.

Baby Carson Panick by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Shonda Feather

I watched as she carefully positioned my son. It didn’t appear that she was nervous, disgusted, or judgmental.

It looked like she was cradling and positioning any other precious …