Zachary Furtwangler: Missing Milestones

He would be a teenager this year. That simple thought sent me into a slight spiral. Have you ever thought one thing that triggered a whole new wave of grief?

Zachary Furtwangler by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Vicki Zoller

At thirteen years out from losing my firstborn, Zachary, the grief is different. I realize that I am at a place where I’m beginning to consider the other things I missed because of my acute grief.

Grief is a complex emotion that ebbs and flows over time.

In the early years after loss, the pain can feel overwhelming and all-consuming. As time passes, the intensity of the grief may lessen, but it never truly goes away. Instead, it transforms and evolves, revealing new facets of the loss.

For me, one of the most recent realizations has been the missed milestones. I’ve found myself reflecting on the things that I would have experienced if Zachary had lived. Teenagers are going through so much: puberty, friendships, school challenges, and the search for identity. It’s a whirlwind of emotions and experiences.

While I haven’t missed out on these milestones with my other children, I often wonder how different my life would have been if my eldest boy had lived instead of experiencing the entry to teenage years with a girl (who is currently a year younger).