Moving Forward, While Looking Back… 19 Years Closer to Maddux

Moving Forward, While Looking Back… 19 Years Closer to Maddux

Maddux died on February 10th, 2005. He was 6 days old.

From day one of his death, I never considered time as being ‘one day without him.’ Instead, I always looked at the length of time as being one day closer to him.

Early in my grief journey, I found the book titled “In a Heartbeat” by Dawn Siegrist Waltman. There is one profound quote she writes: “In a heartbeat, a life is stilled, a dream dies and Heaven becomes amazingly real.” That quote in and of itself can be the whole story.

I will admit, I have many regrets during the deepest, heaviest parts of my grief. I lost a lot of who I was. As a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend. I don’t really know if the word “regret” is the right word to use, so bear with me on this…

I was broken. For so many years. I poured my heart and soul into the creation of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I wanted other families to have the breathtaking images of their babies that I had of Maddux. I wanted them to feel the healing, hope and honor that I felt when looking at his images. With all of that amazing work, it didn’t make sense …