Until February 2021, I had no idea that Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month existed. After a perfect pregnancy, my full-term baby died very unexpectedly. There are truly no words that can adequately describe the shock, devastation, and wreckage that our world had become. The doctor handed me the most beautiful boy I had ever seen, and told me there was nothing more they could do.

So many questions swirled in my head but all I could do was stare at his precious face and cry. 

I was unaware of what to do in this circumstance or that bereavement photography even existed. If I’m being fully honest, I don’t even remember the hospital staff asking me if I wanted pictures. I just remember the nurse telling me there was a photographer coming. In the moment I felt uncomfortable but the exhaustion of labor, delivery and then this horrifying reality left me unable to question her. When the photographer came she asked me if there were any specific shots I wanted, I knew I couldn’t bare to smile so I just said mostly pictures of him. Maybe one of each of us together.

Baby Carson Panick by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Shonda Feather

I watched as she carefully positioned my son. It didn’t appear that she was nervous, disgusted, or judgmental.

It looked like she was cradling and positioning any other precious newborn baby.

I was amazed that she could step into this uncomfortable space but not really show any discomfort. I can’t imagine what it would be like if we had not had the professional photos.—We did take many of our own, but the ones that we got from NILMDTS are breathtaking. The photos she took were used at Carson’s funeral service, they hang in our home, we use them in our annual family photos and we share them on Christmas cards. 

I believe these photos helped our friends and family face this reality with us. As a loss mom, I am comfortable looking at photos of babies where the marks of time passing are very evident. Not everyone is comfortable with that, but I believe seeing these photos helped our friends and family realize how horrible this was because they can see just how perfect he was. The gift of professional photography is one that I will cherish over the course of my lifetime. I am eternally grateful that the nursing staff took it upon themselves to call so that we could have these priceless keepsakes for the rest of time. 

In addition to having these pictures to remember Carson with, I was able to connect with our NILMDTS photographer. My husband and I were fortunate enough to bring a healthy baby girl home 19 months after we lost Carson and I reached out to her to take newborn photos for our daughter. It was a very special and bittersweet photo session. Shonda remembered our son and marveled over our daughter with us. It meant the world to me that one of the few people who held our son on this earth was there holding his little sister as well. 

Baby Carson Panick by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Shonda Feather

NILMDTS will always hold a very sacred space in my heart and I cannot thank them enough for all they’ve done and continue to do for families with broken grieving hearts. 

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a dedicated 501(c)(3) non-profit, offers families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss with complimentary remembrance portraits, capturing precious moments with their babies. Your generous donation can help us extend this heartfelt service to more families in need. Please consider supporting us here.