He would be a teenager this year. That simple thought sent me into a slight spiral. Have you ever thought one thing that triggered a whole new wave of grief?

Zachary Furtwangler by NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer Vicki Zoller

At thirteen years out from losing my firstborn, Zachary, the grief is different. I realize that I am at a place where I’m beginning to consider the other things I missed because of my acute grief.

Grief is a complex emotion that ebbs and flows over time.

In the early years after loss, the pain can feel overwhelming and all-consuming. As time passes, the intensity of the grief may lessen, but it never truly goes away. Instead, it transforms and evolves, revealing new facets of the loss.

For me, one of the most recent realizations has been the missed milestones. I've found myself reflecting on the things that I would have experienced if Zachary had lived. Teenagers are going through so much: puberty, friendships, school challenges, and the search for identity. It's a whirlwind of emotions and experiences.

While I haven't missed out on these milestones with my other children, I often wonder how different my life would have been if my eldest boy had lived instead of experiencing the entry to teenage years with a girl (who is currently a year younger).

The dynamics of a family with two boys or two girls can be quite different, and I can't help but ponder the possibilities of what might have been.

Despite the what-ifs, I've learned to cherish the moments I have with my children and to appreciate the beauty in everyday life. I've also found comfort in connecting with other parents who have experienced similar losses. Sharing our stories and supporting one another can be a powerful source of healing. Touching the lives and providing hope to those walking in this path behind me gives me great comfort.

Honoring Zachary's Memory

As I continue to navigate this journey of grief, I am committed to honoring Zachary's memory in meaningful ways. Last year, we didn't get to participate in many of our traditions because my husband was sick with COVID so while we made our cupcakes - we could not take them to the hospital to provide our gratitude to the L&D nurses.

Instead of going out to a special meal, I made at home fondue with the kids while my husband slept the day and night away in fever. This year, with the big teenage milestone, I am excited to get back to our "normal" traditions and celebrate the teenager who Z would have been. Not only will we make cupcakes for the nurses, take balloons to his bench at the park and go out to a special meal, we will be truly honoring the kid I like to imagine Zachary would be. Every day, and especially on his birthday I do something in his memory. Whether it's through acts of kindness, supporting causes related to infant loss, or simply acknowledging the impact he made on our lives, I strive to keep his spirit alive.

This year a new tradition I'd like to start is covering the cost of any Volunteer or Medical Affiliate application who would like to serve their area in this very special way. Please use code ZACHARY when applying to have your application fee covered.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a dedicated 501(c)(3) non-profit, offers families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss with complimentary remembrance portraits, capturing precious moments with their babies. Your generous donation can help us extend this heartfelt service to more families in need. Please consider supporting us here.