How do we remember those we’ve lost ? What does it mean to honor them, and why is it so important to loss parents that our friends and family partake in our remembrance requests?

When we lost our son, Kegan, a mere 10 days before his due date, one of my greatest fears was that the world would forget he existed. He never drew a breath, he never cried, and most importantly, the world never met him. So why would they remember, or care, that he was gone? As time passed, I developed a desire to channel the energy I had intended to spend raising Kegan into developing a legacy for him instead. As any proud parent, I just KNEW my child would make the world a better place, and when that possibility was cruelly ripped away from him…well, I wondered, why couldn’t I make the world a better place in his name?

As the first anniversary of Kegan’s death and birth approached (November 7), my husband and I racked our brains for an appropriate way to honor his legacy, for a meaningful way to GIVE him a legacy. We finally settled on a movement that has come to be known as Kegan’s Kindness; we ask friends and family to do acts of kindness in Kegan’s name on his birthday, and had cards specially made for distribution. As the years have passed, we have been honored to hear stories of Kegan’s Kindness making its way across the country, and even across the globe. One woman in Washington DC annually sorts goods at a food bank with her elementary-aged children, another woman in Sweden performs trail cleanups with her preschoolers, and some simply donate to stillbirth support organizations…even children have gotten in on the act, from trash pickups to allowing their friends to pick games at recess, all in Kegan’s honor. This year our eight-year-old has asked to lead her own act of Kegan’s Kindness and is coordinating a food drive for a local animal shelter. It has been hugely humbling to see the impact our boy has made on the world through friends, family members, and even strangers. 

The holiday season brings another opportunity to build a legacy for your child. As loss parents, we are constantly forced to confront the void our children’s death has left in our lives and this is never more pronounced than during the holiday season. While I can never enjoy the pleasure of seeing Kegan scour the sky for Santa’s reindeer or watch him unwrap Christmas presents on a chilly December morning, I absolutely refuse to leave him out of our holidays. His holiday legacy, much like his birthday legacy, is to better the world. Every year on Thanksgiving we create a linked chain of green and red paper, counting down the days until Christmas. This is a pretty common tradition, but we have added our own special twist: on each link, our daughter writes a small act of kindness in memory of her brother to be performed on that day. Our daughter gleefully rips links off her “Kegan’s Kindness Christmas Countdown Chain” every morning, and every night we each recount our day’s act of kindness. Finally, Christmas morning rolls around and we tear the last link off the chain. Every year that link is the same: Donate to NILMDTS. Every year on both Christmas and our boy’s birthday, we donate to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I know what it is to have only pictures of your child. I know how valuable, how meaningful those pictures are. I know what it is to use an image to introduce your daughter to her little brother, instead of allowing her to gently squish his little body to her chest. I know...and so I never forget the organization that gave us our greatest gift.

Our Kegan has changed the world, and thanks to NILMDTS, the world knows his beautiful features. Our lives were changed by our love for our son, and his greatest legacy is passing that love along. 

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, a dedicated 501(c)(3) non-profit, offers families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss with complimentary remembrance portraits, capturing precious moments with their babies. Your generous donation can help us extend this heartfelt service to more families in need. Please consider supporting us here.