Blair was an unexpected pregnancy. Our son was only about a year and a half old and we weren’t trying for another baby. It totally caught us by surprise! We were very excited once the shock wore off and before even getting to the 20 week scan, I just knew she was a girl. My pregnancy with Blair was a lot harder than the one with my son Wyatt. I was nauseous and sick all the time, and I definitely didn’t feel like I was glowing, reinforcing my intuition that Blair was a girl.

My son, Wyatt, was a big baby and came 10 days early, so we expected the same for Blair. On November 17th, a little after midnight, my water broke (just like it did with my son), and I had no noticeable contractions. We called the on-call midwife and made the decision we would sleep at home that night, then head to the hospital in the morning after dropping Wyatt off at daycare.

My husband went back to sleep; I went to the couch where Blair and I watched "Call the Midwife" till around 3 am. That was our insomnia pregnancy show. At 3:30 am I felt a weird movement from her I have never felt before. It meant nothing to me then, but looking back, I think that was the last time I ever felt her move.

That morning at triage, my mind was elsewhere. I hadn’t picked up on the warning signs from the nurse that something was wrong. During the ultrasound, I noticed it was taking too long and I then noticed the silence of the nurses and doctor in the room, which indicated something was off.

Looking back, there are two glory-to-God moments of my time with Blair- the most notable was her actual birth. Wyatt was a 12+ hour labor and 3.5 hours of pushing. I was convinced that Blair was going to be another hard labor. Our church and community were praying for us to help the birth go smoothly and easily. I just did not have the emotional strength to give birth because my baby was dead. I asked for drugs to sleep around 10 pm and at around 4cm. I wanted to be knocked out of the nightmare.

When I woke up around 5 am, I asked the nurse to roll me over. She moved my body to roll me over and exclaimed, "Oh, she's here. Blair is here!"

Baby Blair by NILMDTS Photographer Brittany Copeland

Blair came in the night. No pushing from me. No pain from me. No effort from me. The Lord delivered her for me.

In the hospital a nurse asked us if we wanted photos taken of Blair. My initial reaction was “Why would I want pictures of my dead daughter?”

Matt researched the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and saw that the photos would be black and white and gently retouched. He told me,

“We can always take them, it doesn’t mean we have to look at them or use them.”

So we did.

Our photographer was sweet and gentle. She called Blair “beautiful” and was so respectful of her and her body.

Without those photos, I would not have a photo of my child that I would be "proud of," Not that I am not proud of my baby girl, but I want to protect my daughter from being known as purple and bruised. That fate was not her fault or her choice. She was meant to be the flawless baby the photos show.

Fast forward to sitting at home after saying goodbye to Blair. Preview photos came to my email inbox and as I opened them, I started bawling. My family wanted to hear my reaction first and all that came out was, “Look how beautiful she was. That’s how God intended her to look. That’s my baby. My beautiful baby.”

Black and white. Retouched to erase the bruising.

"My baby looked like she was sleeping."

Baby Blair by NILMDTS Photographer Brittany Copeland