Life | Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

It’s not until a tragedy strikes you personally that you begin to understand the fragility of life.

I found out that I was pregnant in November of 2019. At that time I wasn’t sure how to take that news. Shocked, happy, at a loss for words, excited, wondering if I was ready to do this again (18 years later) etc. Then I found out that I was having a daughter!!! The joy and excitement that was inside of me! Zoey (meaning LIFE) Madison (meaning Gift of God) Downs would be her name. Zoe, or Maddie for short. I knew that prayer worked. I knew that I would have a little me and looked forward to us having tea parties and spa days. The anticipation, knowing, and having the mindset that I would welcome a healthy baby girl within the next 9 months was so surreal. Or, maybe it wasn’t…

Fast-forward 4 months later, February 20, 2020, at 10:15 pm, my life began a different book. Zoey Madison made her grand entrance, but it was quiet and peaceful. The cries that you would hope to hear were replaced with silence. The joy and excitement you would hope to see from your doctors and nurses were replaced with condolences.

The room was silent, but Zoey was beautiful. The initial shock hadn’t set it yet, but Zoey had 10 toes and 10 fingers. There was so much going on around me, but my focus was on her. So tiny, so fragile, but so full of love. She was a little princess! A spitting image of her mother! She was everything that I had hoped for. But our 5-month bond had come to an end. My Zoey had gained her wings, and a new set of feelings, emotions, changes, mood swings that I had never experienced, were about to become a new life ritual.

As if losing my daughter wasn’t upsetting enough, now I would have to deal with these new emotions and her loss during a pandemic. Believe me when I say that God does not give us anything that we can’t handle. Losing Zoey at the beginning of a pandemic and then having to grieve in isolation was very challenging. The emotions are still a whirlwind. I’m very thankful that NILMDTS was able to capture moments that I never would have thought about. For those of you going through a difficult season during this pandemic with the loss of a child, know that you are not alone. Know that there are people for you to talk to, vent to, and express your feelings to. Know that you will forever have an angel watching over you! Our angels may not be here physically, but they will always be here spiritually!