WakeFul | Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Have you ever been told that grief needs a mission? That the love you hold for a lost child is so powerful, so transformative, that it needs to be given a task to tend to? Too often I think we’re encouraged to “let things go” in life. But when it came to losing my daughters in March and December 2019, casually moving on was unthinkable.

Photograph courtesy of Amanda H.

Like so many of you, I continue to search for ways to honor my own children while also processing grief and finding my new place in this world. My tasks are different each day: sometimes I have just enough energy to get dressed and other days I am more hopeful. Often I imagine my daughters carefree, laughing and playing in a meadow, somewhere beyond, where my grandparents and father-in-law watch over them. In the months since losing them, I have found ways to heal, to tuck their memories inside my heart and mind, thanks to groups like Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep—where I’m reminded that my girls are cherished and that I’m not required to move on for everyone else’s comfort.

When I first discovered NILMDTS, my heart broke all over again. There’s so much that we first-time loss moms don’t know to prepare for. I was moved by their mission to connect grieving parents with a photographer—someone who can document the beauty inside faces so small, so precious, and gone too soon. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve cried wishing I had photos of my own babes outside their sonogram pictures. Medically speaking, it just wasn’t possible for our family. But the mission of NILMDTS gives me hope: it reminds me that there are small mercies inside the unthinkable moments, even when our lives are shattered into pieces. They remind me that someone is willing to step into that moment and give grieving mothers and fathers the gift of their sweet babe’s face.

Photographs courtesy of Amanda H.

As I’ve tended to my own grief, I knew I wanted to create and offer other mothers a way to belong and to remember. Wakeful is my own grief on a mission—a way to reach others who need a tangible expression of care. The card below is one way of offering my own grief in full confidence that it can transform into something beautiful and hopeful in your life. To honor the mission of NILMTDS, I am donating 15% of all card sales in January back to NILMDTS.