Thank You NILMDTS | Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

I would like to thank NILMDTS for providing this service to grieving families. On April 27, 2020, I delivered my stillborn son, Anthony John at Morristown Medical Center in Morristown, New Jersey. I went to my OB-GYN for a routine visit when I received the devasting news that my son’s heart had stopped. I was 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant. AJ was delivered at 9:14 pm, he was 5lbs 12 oz, 19 inches long, and perfect. We have gone through every test and everything has come back “normal.” We have absolutely no reason why our little boy’s heart stopped and he is not here with us today.

After delivering our beautiful son, our nurse, Jillian offered to take AJ’s newborn photos and NILMDTS would provide us with a digital gallery of photographs. In the haze of our crushing grief, we agreed to have his pictures taken. About a week later we received the photographs but quickly tucked them away because the thought of looking at the pictures hurt too much. About a week after that I became so angry at myself that I hadn’t looked at AJ’s pictures yet. Surely, if he were born alive I would have sent them out, posted them everywhere just as I had done with his two older living sister’s newborn photos.

So in my bedroom, by myself, I looked at his photographs for the first time. I cry as I write this because these pictures are so beautiful. I love them. I immediately downloaded each picture. I printed and framed them and created a beautiful photo book. They now decorate our home, they decorate his grandparent’s homes and they are set as the home screen on my teenage nieces’ iPhone. They are everywhere. I am so happy that I have these pictures. I am so touched by NILMDTS. I am so honored that someone cared enough to take pictures of my dead son as my husband and I were too numb to think to do it. I cherish these pictures and look at them multiple times a day. These pictures help me feel connected to AJ.